Blog #10 Staying Positive When HIV Positive

My personal goal throughout this course and blogging experience has been to understand the stigma involved with HIV/AIDS through research and relating it to myself personally. I wished to explore attitudes, but so far I have forgotten one of the most important aspects, even while sort of mentioning it the entire time.

I'm referring to an HIV positive person's own attitude toward HIV. I have never battled with my own self-esteem or fought to retain and rebuild my own confidence as much in my whole life as since I have gotten more ill. I can only imagine what one goes through after being diagnosed with a virus with such typically negative views and known to have a grim outlook.

Everyday, I wonder if it my own fault that I'm sick somehow. Is "The Secret" the truth? Have I only gotten back whatever negative vibes and thoughts I have projected into the universe? Is it mental? Is it a manifestation of stresses and anger that have been repressed for years, now making me physically ill when I thought I was going about everything the "strong way"? How can one argue this viewpoint for someone whose contracted something as tangible as HIV? This perhaps goes back to people believing that HIV positive people are responsible for their own demise, which I do not believe. As previously mentioned, we all make mistakes-some just are coincidentally, and perhaps unfairly, more costly than others.

Still, I find it in me to be angry with myself sometimes. I am willing to bet that sometimes HIV positive people are angry with themselves, or with a person who passed it onto them, whether a parent or a partner. Unfortunately, it is likely that people with HIV may perpetuate the negative stigma, perhaps because it was one that they had in their own mines prior to contracting the virus. Now they seem themselves as something gross or among the "little" people who have "allowed" themselves to get to this point. Sometimes people wonder what they did to deserve whatever is going on.

There are more constructive ways to go about this, as I am learning for myself. Being subjected to an illness yourself is just a more in-your-face testament to the fact that almost anything can happen to anyone. If I were HIV positive, I would want to use my experience for good. Even though I am tired and feel sick, I try to be honest about my own illness (well, as much as I know about it) in order to purvey a greater understanding of chronic illness and that just because someone looks alright, it does not mean they are. You never really know what is going on in somebody's life. You can only be as kind as possible and not let any negative energy others emit effect you the same way so that you can stop the cycle.

Being sick also makes yourself feel...well, not as attractive. Maybe not in all cases. I feel like because I am tired, in pain, or weak, that I am a burden. Who would want to be with somebody like that? Besides, I often think I look as bad as I feel, no matter what I do. People with HIV must struggle with their sexuality. Think about how being HIV positive narrows down dating prospects or effects ones sex life.

It is also easy to think you are weak for giving in at all, so you might try to lead a normal life. When it does not work, it is easy to be mad at yourself for not going to every doctor, eating right, or taking all of your medicine.

Because other people's perception of you may be altered, the one of yourself is something that you must fight to keep positive as well.

Did You Know

Even people with illnesses feel grateful. Sometimes they are thankful to have some means of helping themselves, they are appreciative of the "wake up call" to live their life, or they feel they have the tools to help others.